All New Low
17 Apr 2012 Leave a Comment
I have reached an all new low in my life. I have been searching for a job for almost a year now and have submitted well over 1000 resumes and been to countless job interviews. I began Avon almost a year ago as well. It has been a really good year. I made Unit Leader and Presidents Club. I recently made the ultimate mistake though. I purchased way too much for myself, along with over $100 in leadership kits (hoping to sign up a whole lot of new people) but did not have the sales to cover the amount I purchased. So now I find myself owing Avon and no job to pay for it. This morning when I went to sign in – I was blocked. I have to pay today or be removed. I can be reinstated – but not sure if I will keep my downline or not. So that means that I will have to start over all together. I am so depressed and ticked off at myself. I know better. I tried to get more sales but that will not cover my debt. I have applied to McDonalds and even Kroger – to do whatever job I can. With an MBA I guess they think I am over qualified to be a bagger but they do not understand that I would even do that right now. I would do ANYTHING to make money at this point. OK – not ANYTHING – I do have some morals and frankly the cellulite that has gathered over the years grosses me out, so I know no one else wants to see it either.
I was not prepared for how worthless I would feel at this point. I put myself through school, have a ton of student loans to pay and only want to WORK. Kind of in a catch 22 right now – I can work my Avon but cannot place an order or sign anyone in as I cannot get into the site. So the only way I have to make money right now is not an option. Not blaming anyone but myself. I would clean houses, cut grass, do anything – but so would everyone else in my position and thus even finding a job doing that is about impossible. Being depressed does not help – but there it is anyway.
I thought I had reached the place I wanted to be when I worked for P&G – but I found that the political posturing that went on was unbearable. After almost 8 years there I voluntarily quit. My children have told me that I am happier than I have ever been. Until now. Now I feel like I have not only failed them but myself. There is family that I could ask for a loan to pay off Avon but I do not want to ask. My parents have provided more than enough times and my siblings simply do not have it to help. Extended family could probably help but I just cannot see myself going to them and asking. So here I sit trying to figure out how to get out of the mess I am in. Today I feel worthless.
Conversations with the Dead and Thank You’s
29 May 2010 Leave a Comment
I know that this weekend is to remember soldiers that gave it all, as well as, those that served and still are. One soldier that was in my life still holds a very special place in my heart and for some reason I have had him on my mind a lot lately. That usually means that I have some soul-searching to do and a trip to the cemetary is in order so we can ‘talk it out’. Yes, I visit my grandfathers grave whenever I feel the need to talk something out. I am a true believer in the spiritual realm and think that there is a time when they feel the need to communicate something to us. That is when I find some ‘me’ time, head to the cemetary and talk it out. Yes I hear my grandfathers voice and I answer him. Whether you think I have totally lost it – really do not care. (Remember, this is my life, not yours).
Back to my point – my grandfather fought as a soldier in WWII and I know that he relived most what he saw prior to his death. It was one time in my life that I so wanted to comfort him and knew that I could not. My entire life I looked up to him and wanted to be just like him. He was the most honest, respectable man. I knew of no one who did not like him. I can remember taking walks with him when I was young and he never missed the opportunity to impart his wisdom. He would also talk to me about things that I had done wrong, so we could examine together what went wrong and how to prevent it from happening again. He never spoke down to you, he spoke with you and treated you like an adult, even at 12. I always felt important when I was with him and even when he was being a bit harsh, not that it was not needed, he had a way of making you feel that he only wanted the best for you. I never left a walk feeling down, or that I could not achieve the things in life I wanted to. I always knew when he was disappointed in me though and I never wanted to disappoint him again. He must have instilled that in his children, because my mother makes me feel the same way when I disappoint her, even as an adult.
Not really sure what the ‘conversation’ will reveal this time – but I am actually looking forward to it. I always find that these sessions allow me to move forward, make an important decision that is well thought out or even just help me to determine where I am in life at the given time. I do have some things I am struggling with within myself but not ready to put them on paper yet. Maybe after my talk with grandpa.
I know you might think that I have not only lost my mind but I am totally off my rocker. Well, maybe to you, but not to me. I have always felt a ‘pull’ from the spiritual realm and I am open to the possibility of being able to dip into the other plane. I have had times when I thought that there were spirits around. Usually during times of great distress. Sometimes I have felt a warm hand on my shoulder and turned to find no one there. I have heard footsteps and thought someone else was home but the house was empty. I have heard voices when I was home alone, in the winter (windows closed), no TV or radio on. When I was an early teen I thought the world had ended and I wanted to die. I was trying to slit my wrists (with no internet I had no way to determine a correct way to do this and thankfully was doing it all wrong, and having no idea that this was not a real quick way to go) when I heard a voice behind me. The man told me that it was not time, that I had things left to do and that I had to find the strength to keep pushing on. Of course – there was no one there – I was alone in the house. Was it my subconscious? Maybe – I think it was a spirit who had offered a troubled young woman a lifeline. I thank whatever it was and God everyday. There have been other times – like when I felt trapped and hurt so bad I felt like I could not breathe some days in Missouri – that I felt and heard things outside of myself that pushed me forward and helped me to take another step. I want to really explore this at some point soon. Never know when it might be too late – the sooner the better for anything we want to accomplish in this life.
Thank you to all that have given the ultimate sacrifice – I know you are among your brothers resting in God’s grace. Thank you to all the soldiers that have served – our country was better yesterday for what you gave. Thank you for the soldiers serving – I lay my head to rest tonight in a free country for what you did today. Thank you Grandpa for serving our country. I am the wiser for the things that you endured.
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